Talking to Teens About Sex

I have a daughter who is currently eleven-years-old. She is an only child, and as I have been known to tell anyone who is interested, she has been an ideal kid ever since she was born. My pregnancy, on the other hand? Whew!!! I had morning sickness, fainting, constipation, false labor pains, and anything else you can think of throughout my whole nine months!

Once she was born, however, this little angel gave me absolutely no problems. She hardly ever cried, and she started smiling and laughing a little before her third month. If she did cry, you could be assured that by either feeding her, changing her diaper, or putting her to bed, you could immediately cure all of her problems. This baby slept through the night just a week after being brought home. I kid you not - I was in baby heaven with her.

As a kid, she was always understanding of my shortcomings (like when I got stuck in traffic on the way to her school from my job for the annual Thanksgiving Parents luncheon, not making it in time to eat with her in the second grade - I was devasted, but she was so understanding. "It's okay, Mommy, I know you wanted to be here." Awwwww), and she was always grateful for all of the things I did for her. Very rarely did I need to punish her.

My steadfast rule has always been that if she asks me any question, I will always answer it honestly and completely, no matter what that question may be. I have told her this many times. I would rather that she get her information from me than anyone else. So, at five-years-old when my precious little daughter asked me about what it meant for two men to be gay, and how did they "do it", guess what? I answered her. I told her that when two men are gay, it means they love being with other men, not women. I paused to let it sink in, and she looked at me, puzzled. Then the question about how did they "do it" came up, and I asked her how did she think a man and a woman "did it".

She said, very confidently, "They lay down in the bed, start kissing, and a man puts his pee pee inside the woman's pee pee." Remember, this is my kindergartener saying this!

I smiled, and told her, "Well, when two gay men do it, they do the same thing, but one of them puts his pee pee in the other one's booty."

Some of you may think this is way too much to be telling a five-year-old child. I would have to disagree. I first established the fact that she already knew what sex was in the first place. I also followed up by telling her that two people should not have sex until they are mature and love eachother, and the best way is to wait until after you are married.

I didn't come up to my daughter that day and just decide to tell her about gay men out of the blue. Her curiosity came from somewhere else, where she had heard the term, and she already wanted to know. That means that she is going to get the information from somewhere. I always want her to feel comfortable enough with me to be able to come and ask me these awkward questions - not get the info from one of her friends.

My motto is, "If they are old enough to ask about it, they are old enough to be told the honest truth from a parent who can help mold their view on it, as well."

At least if she asks me, she can get my views, and she can get an educated opinion. It is our goal as parents to instill our viewpoints and values in our children, right? If you constantly turn your child away, telling them that they are too young to ask that, or if you berate them for asking the questions, then you can't judge them for getting the information from someone else!
Why are parents these days afraid to talk to their children about sex? I have spoken to many of my child-raising friends about this subject, and it all comes down to a fear of their child growing up "too soon". I have a news flash for you. Children are GOING TO GROW UP, whether you want them to or not. Don't you want to be an integral part of the process for your child?

My daughter is now in the sixth grade. She and I have an amazing relationship. We spend our weekends going to the movies, out to eat, and hanging out with each other. When things happen to her at school amongst her friends or boys, she comes straight home and tells me all about it.

I know all about the crush she had on a boy from the second grade all the way until the end of the fifth, when the notion of splitting apart from him to go to two different middle schools made her come to grips with her feelings and take a chance by writing him a letter admitting her "love". She let me read it (I edited some things and helped her make it sound better, hah), and he took it from her and threw it away on the last day of school. She was devastated. She came home, told me what happened, cried in the bathtub for a couple of hours singing sad Taylor Swift songs, and moped around for a week or two. But during that couple of weeks, she told me all of her feelings. She hugged me, hanging on for dear life, while her poor little pre-teen heart broke. I slept with her a couple of nights, just so she wouldn't cry all alone.

My point is, because she has always felt comfortable with me, and she knows I won't bite her head off, she tells me a lot. Do I think she tells me EVERYTHING? No. I doubt any child will ever tell their mom everything. However, do I think she tells me more than most children tell their parents? Yes. I am sure of it.

My daughter recently started "going out with" a new boy. (The kids use the term, "going out with", to refer to being boyfriends and girlfriends in school - these eleven-year-olds aren't going anywhere!) She came home from school and said that she told her friends that she couldn't wait to get home to tell her mom all about him. Her friends asked her in disbelief, "You tell your mom about your boyfriends?" And my wonderful, straight-A honor roll, perfect attendance, Alpha, Four-H, and Science club member, daughter looked right back at them and answered, "Uhm, yeah. You mean, you don't?!" She says that she feels sorry for kids who can't talk to their moms like she can. You know what? I do, too.

Don't be afraid to talk to your kids about sex, love, relationships, and dating. They are going to grow up, with or without your guidance. Lighten up, and give them your best. These kids need us, and they need to know that they have a safe place to come and talk to someone about these things. Don't you want to be that safe place for your child?